I like the weather. Good to just stay at home, on the couch in front of the tv with my blankie. These days, my only gd companion is the tv. But I would have to say bye-bye to it soon. I've decided to start school again.

I don't understand them sometimes. I know they want the best for me but they make me out to be one bad kid to them. All of a sudden, for no rhyme or reason, I was belittled.

They say things that really hurt me, puzzled me. Things that I never did, they say I did. I did what I was suppose to do and for that I got criticized harshly. And I never said a word. He started to talk all nonsense like as if we're all rebellions, like as if we couldn't care about them. I don't understand really. Time and time again, I was accused of the things I never did and I swallowed it all.

Maybe I wasn't doing enough. I know I couldn't measure up to their sacrifices but it's not like as if I never did anything... I try and I try but it backfired instead.

What I needed the most from them was their trust, support and understanding. Not money. I'm 21 but I feel like I was being treated like a 12 yr old. More and more, I feel so demoralised and vulnerable inside.

Everytime I try to prove myself worthy of something, you bring me down. I was only expressing my interest to study, I wasn't asking for money. I thought you knew me better but I was wrong. I thought I could impress you or make you proud but I realised the more I try, the more you think I'm giving you nothing but trouble.

So I'm not gonna prove to you anything since my actions are always misinterpreted. In fact, I'm not gonna prove to anybody anything. Only God knows what's truly etched inside the depths of my black, black heart.

I may appear tough and self-willed outside but I'm feeling more inferior than ever on the inside. If those medals and trophies, thick books and scholarships are what make them proud, then I'm sorry I didn't bring home any. Even if I did, you won't realise it anyway because you have already decided that I am not gd enough for you and I am nothing compared to your other better offsprings. You don't have to say it, I know.

I'm tired and I'm fed up.

Well, it's partly an escape but I hope God will give me the strength and guidance to go through it smoothly. I dunno where to fork out $30 K but I know I can do it and I'll do it on my own. No worries.



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