The quote above explains exactly how I'm feeling right now. Why is it that the ppl we love the most are the ones who will hurt us the most? I don't understand..... I really don't. Maybe I wasn't doing such a gd job. Maybe I have failed as one. I dunno. Those things you said tend to hurt you know.

I tried but I think I did it the wrong way since you decided to address it in your blog. What you've said made me realise that I hv truly failed as the benevolent one as you would hv wanted me to be. Instead I unconsciously became the ominous figure that I'd never thought I would be and for that, I have disappointed you and others.

Maybe I haven't done much. Maybe I wasn't doing it right. I probably hv offended you one way or another. But I don't understand... why won't you open up yourself and be a little more relaxed? Why must everything be so complicated in your life? Why must you keep it inside then let it all out in your blog in which indirectly you hv portrayed us as the evil ones and you the good one?

You think you're the only one with problems? You think you're the only one who's got feelings? You think you're the only one who can get hurt? You think you're the only one who's misunderstood? You have no idea. You have no idea what others go through either. You expect others to succumb to you and understand you when you yourself refuse to do the same for others? You think only you are entitled to get pissed off and throw your tantrums and attitude around? Have you thought about why things are the way they are?

As the big sister, I would want you guys to come to me when you have problems, share with me your ups and downs and laugh together. But YOU refuse to do that. YOU think we don't understand you. YOU are the one who would lock yourself up. I have gone through what you are going through and you think I don't know?

You can never understand why I was stern with you. Maybe the big age gap was the cause of it. I hope so much to be someone whom you can call a friend but I am more of a parent to you. Well there's no point explaining because bottomline is you'll never understand. You'll always think that whatever I do is wrong. If you would only, for one day, be in my position you would probably see the clearer view of what I have to go through.

Everytime I thought I had made a bond and we're all happy, you turn around and say all those mean things to me or about me or about us for that matter. And that hurt. And I am deeply saddened that you felt that way.

Come to think of it, you have all the freedom and all the liberty to do whatever you want but you're never satisfied. You should be thankful that you've been given that privilege. When I was your age, I didn't get half the things you got. See you don't need to do anything... and when you do it's almost effortlessly. But I had to lie my way through to get what I want. I had to find my own way out. You don't know how difficult it was for me.

And for that I have become what I am now. I may appear strong or whatever but inside, my heart is simply breaking into a million pieces. I just don't show it anymore. I used to, but not anymore. You crushed me with just one paragraph. My own blood could do that in a split second. And that is why sometimes I just cannot be bothered to say much because when I do, you guys think I'm crazy and you guys get frustrated.

As the eldest, we get it from both sides. We get it from the parents and we get it from our siblings. Nothing is ever good enough for either party. Because I try so hard that I almost wanna give up. Yes I may not be the ideal sister, I admit but everyday I am trying.

You don't understand. I swallow everything inside and put a brave front. But you dunno how vulnerable I feel inside. I try to be the very best I can be, to set a gd example but I guess my approach is wrong and my effort is wasted. Because you don't seem to appreaciate it at all. Honestly, you have hurt me deeply and those words will forever scar me and I don't think I can ever forget it.

I guess through you I understand what my mom goes through. You care so much for that person that inevitably you hurt them instead. And for that I strive to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister but it's never good enough. Maybe one day when you've got kids of your own you'll understand. Because I have learnt that, I hope you do too.



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