I was clearing out my drawer the other day, so I began flipping thru all the cards and letters I've got from my friends that I've kept thruout the years. Yes I kept them all. All of which is still in gd condition. All the Hari Raya cards, Christmas cards, letters and what have yous. I read them all and each one of them puts a smile on my face as it brings back all the memories of yesterdays. How we were so tacky with our words, how we said the things we couldn't say when face to face... It was nice back then but now the tradition has been long abandoned. But anyways...

I came across one particular card. And as I flip it open, out fell a folded piece of paper. It was a letter. It came with the card. It was a birthday card. The one and only that contained meaningful words filled with sincerity, hurt and sadness.

As I read it, I was engulfed by a wave of mixed emotions no matter how tacky it was. Guilt (as to how I detested her and pushed her away), sadness (becos when I thot she hurt me, I had actually hurt her even more and so much deeper), nostalgic (those days, the laughters, the quarrels, the 'tak-nak-geng' episodes), ashamed (of myself), comfort (in her words) and last but not least happiness (becos I had a friend who truly thinks that I was worthy of her friendship, becos I had a friend and still is till today).

Many, many years ago when I read it, I was more angry than hurt, more hate than happy. Yes back then, I was an angsty teenager. And I feel terribly bad about it. My friend, I'm sorry. Just wanted to tell you that while I still hv the chance. And I'm glad we went thru that phase becos it taught us alot of things. Alot of which is beyond words. Ya know what I mean.

I guess now we hv passed the jiwang-letter-writing phase ey. Not to say we're less sensitive or emotional... it's just that we don't always need to pen it down to explain it all becos deep down, we already know. Now that's what I call friendship. Sometimes actions speak louder then words. My my, how we have all grown up.

Now this is rather strange of me. So kental but she threatened me not to bring this up again becos she finds it disgusting to think that she actually wrote that. Hahaha.

Oh and by the way, I have completely lost the will to blog abt my social life. I think it sucks. I really do think it's mocking me. And I'm tired of it. I cannot be bothered to entertain dumb-dumbs who don't understand simple english that I hv to resort to being harsh.

When I say no it simply means no. Don't bother trying becos it's only a waste of yr time and effort. It will only make things worse. I hv learnt tt myself too. If it cannot happen, means it cannot happen. Get over it and move on already.

But I think I have been moving on for too long until I don't know when to stop to take a breather. Even when there's somebody who bothers to stop by, I hv lost all hope (well, almost all of it) to hope for anything more than just being friends. That's all I can afford for now. That few ounces of hope, maybe 0.001% of hope won't be enough to revive anything.

I really doubt it will. It will take alot of guts but I don't hv any of that anymore either.

This bliss... it'll only last for awhile. But you don't hv to know that I savour the moment. Nobody needs to know.



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