Truth be told, I hate what I'm doing. I hate my job. There I said it. Yes, in front of my friends I may appear like I'm enjoying myself at work and not giving a hoot about anything else because of its perks and benefits. But I'm not. Deep down I'm not. Yesterday was when I truly realise that I'm worth nothing here.

Logically I'm over-qualified for this stupid shit that I've been doing for the past year and being stupid, I have actually put up with it this long. Everything was fine until I was re-designated. Never have I felt so low before... my low self-esteem came back to haunt me and I dread every single day when I come to work. Yesterday, I was utterly depressed and upset. All I could think of was to get out of here.

I thought I could just put up with it, ignore what other ppl think of me, ignore how others treated me, put aside my pride just for the bloody sake of money. I feel so conceited inside. If it wasn't for the school fees and other responsibilities, I would've quit a long time ago. Knowing how badly I needed the money, I just had to go through it quietly. Nobody knows how I really feel inside. Everybody thinks I'm fine at work, everybody thinks I'm ok with the crap but do they know how hard it is to swallow all that?

I know it's no big deal to others but it is to me. It matters to me. I'm not the kind who likes to get paid for doing nothing, I like to do something worthy and I hate feeling worthless. And because of money, I had to put all that aside. Yah, others may think it's damn shiok to not do anything and yet get paid. But do they know the downside of it? No.

You have superiors who think very little of you and treats you like dirt. Like you are nothing. Forget about superiors, you have your own colleagues who are like that too and it's so damn bloody demoralising. It's the silence that is obvious. And it hurts, tho I try hard not to show it. Like I don't care, like I don't give a damn.

It's about your integrity. So what if the money is good? But reality check. I do need the money and I'm back to square one. Swallow everything and put on a good show. It's painful. How often do I talk about work? Maybe never. I never or rarely talk about the work I do. Why? Because nobody's concerned about it, it's downright low.

I only go as far as telling them my position and they're usually more interested in the pay and bonuses. How shrewed we've become. That's all we care about. Yes, I may be the envy of my friends becos I get gd bonuses but really, it's nothing to be proud of. It's not everything. If you guys would only understand...

How much you get doesn't determine your happiness. You can't calculate happiness. Money is good, I admit, but that happens twice a year, every month but EVERYDAY you have to really swallow your pride. Pride for money. It's a good deal?

What can I do but to just be positive. Money is rolling in. But then again, money rolls out of me at the end of the day. Well, at least, the ppl around me are happy so that's a good thing. Sometimes, you do damage to yourself just to live up to others. And I think I've been damaged badly enough until I'm all screwed up inside.

I dunno how some ppl can suck up to bosses just to get to where they are. Whatever happened to values and principles? One thing's for sure, no matter how bad you treat me here, no matter how much you yearn for me to do it, I WILL NEVER ever suck up to you. I am not one of you despicable, disgusting ppl and if I were you, I would be ashamed of myself.

Sorry, I'm not the kind. I may be at the bottom, earning lesser but I rather hold on to something more true and pure. At the end of the day, no matter how shitty I feel inside, I am still thankful that I have a job to hold on to and that my family gets the best of it. Doesn't matter what I go through because what I go through is nothing compared to those more unfortunate and yet, they can be thankful for whatever they have.

I hv to keep in mind this. They may be unfortunate but they're my reason and my motivation to just hold on. They're my reminders. Whenever I think about them, I think again...

Yestarday, I wanted to quit. Yesterday, I wanted to let go. But that was yesterday.

Today, I feel slightly better. It's ok to suffer now, 4 years down the road, I'll achieve that dream to do something that I enjoy whole-heartedly.

And to hell with this company and you bloody morons.



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